Pete Bevin - Caring

I looked after my first wife Menya for close to five years before she died in February 2001, and learned a lot from the experience.

• I couldn't do everything I wanted to. There is a limit - psychologically and physically - to the amount of care I can give someone. Whenever I went "all out", I hit a wall of exhaustion. This happened more times than I can remember.
• People love to help. The number one thing that was holding people back was that they didn't have permission from me. It wasn't until I enlisted Trinity Home Hospice to set up a care team that I was able to take more of a back seat and let other people in.
• It's important to take breaks. I was lucky enough to be able to spend occasional nights in a hotel during the last few months of Menya's life. The break did me a world of good: I could leave it to other people without worrying that they were going to wake me up to ask for help.
• Being relaxed is important. When I was working hardest, I wasn't able to connect with Menya, and the quality of the time we spent together suffered greatly. Massage, psychotherapy, and time with friends all helped to relax me enough to give her the attention and love she needed.
• Caring for people is fulfilling. It's hard work, but the rewards are priceless.

Links

• Menya's memorial page;
• bcmets.org, the community for metastatic breast cancer survivors that I set up;
• ibcsupport.org, the inflammatory breast cancer community that I set up;